life...

today is good Friday...I woke up this morning with that being my first waking thought...thank You Lord...without the cross we don't have the glorious resurrection morning!

This year things are so different in my heart...It is difficult to stand and watch someone disappear before your eyes...while they are still there in front of you...but not there...does that make sense...their body is there...but they lose a little more of themselves each day...

All of the sudden things that mattered before...or things that hurt before...seem to fade...the saddest part of this experience is...really...I never knew this person anyway...and now I want to so desperately and that time is slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it...

...my greatest fear...the message of the Gospel will not be able to penetrate the illness...and then the Holy Spirit gently reminds me there are NO barriers for God...as long as there is breath there is hope...

I'm thought of that saying...It's Friday...but Sunday's coming...all day today...but this evening it hit me...that can be the truth of our lives right now...our struggle...whatever that is...we all walk through our "friday's" but we must remember...those of us in Christ..."Sunday's" coming!!!

So on those days that the struggle is harder than others...remind yourself...Sunday's coming...

Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day for this person...a hard goodbye to a life of memories...of proof of a hard working person...of a gifted shade tree mechanic, wood crafter and a lover of some good ole bluegrass...my prayer though...is for this person to learn Sunday's coming...

I don't mean to mock the resurrection of our Lord...not at all...that is the point...the hope...the peace that surpasses all understanding...the strength...

So as we come to the end of Friday...and what it represents...a still, cold, lost, afraid, feeling deserted world...it's just for a while...cause Sunday's coming and the world would be shaken to the core because of the risen Savior...

Happy Resurrection Day...thank you Jesus...

Learning what full circle means/looks like

I have surprised myself by not journaling more in this secret blog spot! I truly thought I'd write through the process but I haven't...so much has gone through my mind and my heart it to find the words to share have come nearly impossible for me.

It's been 3 years since this journey first began...I've talked with 2 different counselors throughout the process and have had to face many difficult truths about myself...it's funny, when we think we need "help" dealing with "that" person...you find out there is more about you that need help then them!!!!

I've found out one thing about myself for sure...and that is that I'm getting better and better had hiding behind walls of my own building...I can talk to others about how much God loves them...how they need to forgive themselves but when I flip those same truths in my own direction...I can't seem to quite believe it...and the BIGGEST truth that has come from that...I don't believe God...oh I believe Him for YOU but not me...and do you know what that is called? SIN!!!! Talk about an aha moment in my life!!!! I have asked for forgiveness for this sin in my life and I'm working on "CHOOSING" to walk in the truth that He forgives...and so must I...even when that means forgiving myself...

So we fast forward 2 years and here we are...when I say we...my brother and myself...the only other person on the planet who gets what it was like to have lived in our home growing up...with the crazies...oh I'm kidding...they weren't crazy but they were messed up to a degree...I've struggled for years with the lack of morals that are in my DNA but there again...God has taught me...we are ALL sinners...we, as humans want to make "degrees" of sin so we can think ours isn't as bad and another's or ours can somehow be justified....truth it's all level at the foot of the cross...end of discussion...He has the best way of reminding me He is...and I am NOT...so stop looking to or at others and just focus on the prize set before me...

So...now...mom...and dad are old people...with different lives...different issues but both in need of my brother and myself to set up for them...right now more so for my dad...Kevin and I both are working through lots of issues and emotions that we both have been guilty of shoving back, back, back!!!! All of the sudden Dad has become a HUGE part of our lives and will be until his end...whenever that may be...we both have laughed, but really it isn't funny, to be the age we are and still afraid of our dad!!!! Of his reactions...but we also have our own individual urgency to work through it...because his disease will still him from us...even though he will physically still be here with us...I think we both agree we don't want to pretend that all of the sudden because there is a disease we all will deal with, that dad was this super dad that we just didn't appreciate...truth is...he wasn't...he wasn't any kind of dad except one that brought home a paycheck...and called that parenting...Kevin said it best last week...the truth is we have no idea who our dad is on the inside...and he has no idea who we are...he doesn't really even know our struggles or successes....what our hopes and dreams...were or are...nor do we know his...so we have strangers attempting to learn what love looks like...I don't think I can know what this should or will look like without Jesus in my life...

I've learned to look at dad through the eyes of my savior...and now I'm working on that same vision with my mom...

the best part of all of this...is my brother and i have become pretty stinking close...and I'd go through this time and time again for that precious gift...we have lots of unknown days ahead of us...Kevin and his sweet wife more so than me since dad will be on their place...lots of hard days...and some of pain....but we have a chance to redeem our childhood...a chance to understand what Satan meant for evil for our lives and over our lives....God intended for good...a truth that will get us through. 

...on this journey...

I thought as I traveled this path I'd write about it more...obviously that has not been the case...writing is refreshing to my soul and yet I cannot force the words...they must come from my very core and that just doesn't happen every day...so it's been a quiet time for me...

I've gone to several counseling sessions now...I actually haven't gone for a few weeks now...I have learned many things during my sessions...I've come to understand why I've responded to a few things in my life in the manner that I have...I've learned why the huge wall I've placed in my life with a few people is there...and I've learned the choices I will need to make to tear the wall back down...brick by brick...

...I can go back to the day the wall went straight up...however, I think the foundation of it was there for years and I never realized that...so, that being said...I think it may take some time to get the wall back down...

...if anyone knows me very well...they know that I have lived my life allowing fear to cripple me at times...I am by nature a worrier...I worrier what if...if only...this is a difficult...maybe even an impossible way to live...saying I love Jesus...and trust the Lord...then allow this stronghold in my  life...this is  a place I've been for years...so...one brick at a time...I CHOOSE for this wall to come down...

...I've also come to realize that my battle with food it tied to all of this as well...I've also come to understand it's NOT about the scale...it is however, about my temple being healthy...so that I can serve the Lord with my all...I've been disgusted with people in my family who have been addicted to so many things in life...alcohol, sex, money, porn, cigarettes...and never one time saying I'm addicted to food...Oh...I know I'm fat...I can look in the mirror and see that...but to admit it is a food addiction...and the truth is I'm struggling with it to the point my dad did with the alcohol...or my mom with her cigarettes...


...the truth is...for myself...I can't get better...until I get honest...when I keep it in the dark...in the secret...Satan has me where he wants me...defeated...weak...bitter...lost and confused...so today I again make the CHOICE of coming into the light...admitting...hello, my name is Lori and I'm a food addict...I cannot overcome this battle on my own...but through the power of Christ in me WE will see the victory...

...am I still struggling with some of my unhealthy relationships? Sure am...but I see hope...I see light...and like Peter...I pray I can look above the waves and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus...and when I start to fall...cry out...Lord Save me...I have the promise of His word that immediately Christ will grab me...

...Scott is so visual...and yesterday in class he was saying a lot of ...I wonder...I wonder how many steps Peter took on the water before he started to sink...as he walked...did he walk around the waves or did he walk up and over the waves...then Scott asked a simple question...if we started to step on the water ourselves...how long would it take us to sink...immediately of course! He said...he didn't even think we could get out the words...Lord save me before we would be under...so he question or thought was what if Peter was sinking slower...maybe up to his knees...or hips...or even chest before he realize the trouble he was in...then he cried out...and the Lord was there immediately...isn't that how we are...we think we've got it together...then before we realize it,  we are up to our chest and never realized it was happening...

...I feel I'm there...and I'm crying out today...Lord save me...I'm sunk without Him...truth is...we all are!

 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8

God's word is my hope...on this journey...

Scared...

Have you been there...scared to work through the pain...and even more scared to NOT work through it? Scared to speak out loud some of the things that you think...scared to say you have hurts...when all around you there are people who hurt so much worse than you possibly could? Feeling guilty for the the feelings I'm struggling with when I, myself have been forgiven for far worse...yet coming to the understanding that the fact is I am struggling...and I need help to overcome this...and I will...you are reading my first day of writing...but sometime you will be reading the last...when the Lord has had the victory in this...I can say with full assurance...than just like Joseph...what the enemy intended for evil...God uses for good...

I've started a journey with the Lord's help and guidance...I've found a christian counselor...I just want to have my head straight again...ever feel that way? I want to journal through this process...whether this every is "published" or not I can't say...I hope someday my husband and my kids can see this...see that God is bigger than what we face...whether that be demons externally or those that are internal.

So my journey begins...I've already learned a few things about myself...such as...I'm not sure who I am...I know as a child...the little girl that lived at home was not herself...I was so busy...for the most part trying to please...or trying to be invisible...begging one to not leave...and hating the other for being there...afraid to be loud or to laugh and giggle...my husband doesn't know how to NOT laugh...me on the other hand...had to be taught...I do laugh now...I do have joy now...even in my struggles now...I have peace...an unexplainable peace...

I also know that I have people around me that love me...I have an amazing husband...who...honestly in the eyes of the world...should have left this crazy a long time ago...and yet he is here...by my side...encouraging...trying to understand...and trying to support anyway possible...my kids...by the grace of God...have forgiven me and love me...my grandbabies love me and oh how I love them...each one with their unique personalities that they have...I have friends...something I never really truly had until I was an adult...but I have them now...and I'm thankful for them...

2 stories keep running through my mind this morning as I type...the story of Joseph...his brothers intended evil against him...and yet Joseph stayed true to the Lord...and many years later Joseph was able to see the God had a bigger plan...I believe my enemy desires to destroy but God has a bigger plan...and the story of Moses...he has lead the children of Israel out of Egypt and the army is on their tail...the army on one side...the red sea on the other...then Moses tells the people this...

 But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. "The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent." Exodus 14:14-13.

It's time for me to believe God is fighting for me...and once he takes me through the raging sea...I will not have to see this again!

I'm terrified and yet never been so ready...Lord...thank You for all You are...creator, sustainer, almighty, defender, savior, fortress, refuge...HOPE~1/11/2016