Monday, May 2, 2016

...on this journey...

I thought as I traveled this path I'd write about it more...obviously that has not been the case...writing is refreshing to my soul and yet I cannot force the words...they must come from my very core and that just doesn't happen every day...so it's been a quiet time for me...

I've gone to several counseling sessions now...I actually haven't gone for a few weeks now...I have learned many things during my sessions...I've come to understand why I've responded to a few things in my life in the manner that I have...I've learned why the huge wall I've placed in my life with a few people is there...and I've learned the choices I will need to make to tear the wall back down...brick by brick...

...I can go back to the day the wall went straight up...however, I think the foundation of it was there for years and I never realized that...so, that being said...I think it may take some time to get the wall back down...

...if anyone knows me very well...they know that I have lived my life allowing fear to cripple me at times...I am by nature a worrier...I worrier what if...if only...this is a difficult...maybe even an impossible way to live...saying I love Jesus...and trust the Lord...then allow this stronghold in my  life...this is  a place I've been for years...so...one brick at a time...I CHOOSE for this wall to come down...

...I've also come to realize that my battle with food it tied to all of this as well...I've also come to understand it's NOT about the scale...it is however, about my temple being healthy...so that I can serve the Lord with my all...I've been disgusted with people in my family who have been addicted to so many things in life...alcohol, sex, money, porn, cigarettes...and never one time saying I'm addicted to food...Oh...I know I'm fat...I can look in the mirror and see that...but to admit it is a food addiction...and the truth is I'm struggling with it to the point my dad did with the alcohol...or my mom with her cigarettes...or my brother with the porn (which led to someone even more special to me being introduced to this poison!)...

...the truth is...for myself...I can't get better...until I get honest...when I keep it in the dark...in the secret...Satan has me where he wants me...defeated...weak...bitter...lost and confused...so today I again make the CHOICE of coming into the light...admitting...hello, my name is Lori and I'm a food addict...I cannot overcome this battle on my own...but through the power of Christ in me WE will see the victory...

...am I still struggling with some of my unhealthy relationships? Sure am...but I see hope...I see light...and like Peter...I pray I can look above the waves and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus...and when I start to fall...cry out...Lord Save me...I have the promise of His word that immediately Christ will grab me...

...Scott is so visual...and yesterday in class he was saying a lot of ...I wonder...I wonder how many steps Peter took on the water before he started to sink...as he walked...did he walk around the waves or did he walk up and over the waves...then Scott asked a simple question...if we started to step on the water ourselves...how long would it take us to sink...immediately of course! He said...he didn't even think we could get out the words...Lord save me before we would be under...so he question or thought was what if Peter was sinking slower...maybe up to his knees...or hips...or even chest before he realize the trouble he was in...then he cried out...and the Lord was there immediately...isn't that how we are...we think we've got it together...then before we realize it,  we are up to our chest and never realized it was happening...

...I feel I'm there...and I'm crying out today...Lord save me...I'm sunk without Him...truth is...we all are!

 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8

God's word is my hope...on this journey...

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