I have surprised myself by not journaling more in this secret blog spot! I truly thought I'd write through the process but I haven't...so much has gone through my mind and my heart it to find the words to share have come nearly impossible for me.
It's been 3 years since this journey first began...I've talked with 2 different counselors throughout the process and have had to face many difficult truths about myself...it's funny, when we think we need "help" dealing with "that" person...you find out there is more about you that need help then them!!!!
I've found out one thing about myself for sure...and that is that I'm getting better and better had hiding behind walls of my own building...I can talk to others about how much God loves them...how they need to forgive themselves but when I flip those same truths in my own direction...I can't seem to quite believe it...and the BIGGEST truth that has come from that...I don't believe God...oh I believe Him for YOU but not me...and do you know what that is called? SIN!!!! Talk about an aha moment in my life!!!! I have asked for forgiveness for this sin in my life and I'm working on "CHOOSING" to walk in the truth that He forgives...and so must I...even when that means forgiving myself...
So we fast forward 2 years and here we are...when I say we...my brother and myself...the only other person on the planet who gets what it was like to have lived in our home growing up...with the crazies...oh I'm kidding...they weren't crazy but they were messed up to a degree...I've struggled for years with the lack of morals that are in my DNA but there again...God has taught me...we are ALL sinners...we, as humans want to make "degrees" of sin so we can think ours isn't as bad and another's or ours can somehow be justified....truth it's all level at the foot of the cross...end of discussion...He has the best way of reminding me He is...and I am NOT...so stop looking to or at others and just focus on the prize set before me...
So...now...mom...and dad are old people...with different lives...different issues but both in need of my brother and myself to set up for them...right now more so for my dad...Kevin and I both are working through lots of issues and emotions that we both have been guilty of shoving back, back, back!!!! All of the sudden Dad has become a HUGE part of our lives and will be until his end...whenever that may be...we both have laughed, but really it isn't funny, to be the age we are and still afraid of our dad!!!! Of his reactions...but we also have our own individual urgency to work through it...because his disease will still him from us...even though he will physically still be here with us...I think we both agree we don't want to pretend that all of the sudden because there is a disease we all will deal with, that dad was this super dad that we just didn't appreciate...truth is...he wasn't...he wasn't any kind of dad except one that brought home a paycheck...and called that parenting...Kevin said it best last week...the truth is we have no idea who our dad is on the inside...and he has no idea who we are...he doesn't really even know our struggles or successes....what our hopes and dreams...were or are...nor do we know his...so we have strangers attempting to learn what love looks like...I don't think I can know what this should or will look like without Jesus in my life...
I've learned to look at dad through the eyes of my savior...and now I'm working on that same vision with my mom...
the best part of all of this...is my brother and i have become pretty stinking close...and I'd go through this time and time again for that precious gift...we have lots of unknown days ahead of us...Kevin and his sweet wife more so than me since dad will be on their place...lots of hard days...and some of pain....but we have a chance to redeem our childhood...a chance to understand what Satan meant for evil for our lives and over our lives....God intended for good...a truth that will get us through.
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